i hadn't made an apple pie since last september. the month my grandmother was born. the month that she died. and now a whole year has gone by without her.

i knew i could always find homemade apple pie on her kitchen counter no matter what day of the week it was. and i always knew that it would be the best apple pie i had ever tasted. my apple pie can't even come close. but it gives me a goal to aim towards. in her memory.

gram's swedish apple pie recipe

fill a 9" pie plate 2/3 full with sliced and peeled apples of your choice. sprinkle with 1T. of cinnamon and 2 T. sugar. in a separate bowl, combine the following:

3/4 cup melted butter
1 egg
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup flour
pinch of salt

pour batter over sliced apples and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes





fall is not meek and gentle.
fall is showy and magnificent.
it loudly requests that we take notice of it while it shows us its glorious colors and dramatic sun angles.
it wants to be seen.
and it demands that we pay attention to it.

sweet girl



when you grow up, will you remember this day? will you remember that you sat up so straight and true in your chair and placed your cloth napkin in your lap? that you tried so hard to be grown up too just like all the grown up girls you were sitting with? will you remember that you soaked in every little thing that they said? and every little thing they did?
how will the way they acted influence how you act when you grow up?

will you know that i loved watching you this day? and i studied every little facial expression you gave as i wondered about you and the kind of person you will grow up to be?



it feels like this political battle is never ending to me. the election can't come soon enough. i've pretty much reached my happiness threshold with it all, but this did make me smile.



Blue Hydrangea

Just like the last green in a colour pot
So are these leaves, withered and wrecked
Behind the flower umbels, which reflect
A hue of blue only, more they do not.
Reflections are tear-stained, inaccurate,
As if they were about to cease,
And like old blue notepaper sheets
They wear some yellow, grey and violet,
Washed-out like on a children's apron,
Outworn and now no more in use:
We contemplate a small life's short duration.
But suddenly some new blue seemingly is seen
In just one umbel, and we muse
Over a moving blue delighting in the green.

Translation © by Guntram Deichsel, 2003-12-03 and written by
Rainer Maria Rilke, July 1906, Paris

self portrait tuesday

september's challenge is contrast



i have to say that september's challenge was incredibly meaningful to me and i will surely miss it. i apologize that i have been ridiculously self-absorbed and probably narrow minded in my interpretation of this challenge, but it served as a powerful catalyst to what had been out of focus for me lately. funny to realize that contrast is what my life seems to be made up of at this time. i didn't realize it until now. it's been a year of incredible changes for me, and with changes bring all kinds of contrasts to navigate and more importantly, to negotiate.




someday, you will want to put these feet into some high heels....some pumps, or a pair of great boots, or maybe even some sexy stillettos. but whatever shoes you decide to wear, remember that they will only carry you as far as you will let them. so let them take you to the ends of the earth and then back again.

happy fall friday






lazy bees, crisp air, woodsy smells, the rustling sound of fallen leaves on the ground when you walk through them and the scent of them when they're burning, harvest moons, candles, big bright marigolds, tart apples, county fairs, warm soup in handmade pottery bowls, orange flowers against purple skies

we're off to the beach to share in our niece's happiness as she takes her wedding vows.
have a great weekend!



it's getting to be that time of year when it gets harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. i keep looking at the morning sky thinking that soon we'll be turning our clocks back anyhow and this should really be 5 am, not 6 am and why shouldn't i sleep a little longer? unfortunately, that doesn't work.

so lately i focus on watching the amazing sun angles that hit the leaves just starting to turn now, and feeling the cool air on my face while i drink a cup of strong coffee. it definitely makes it a little more worthwhile to get out of bed in the morning.

what do dogs think about?






probably not if their fur makes them look fat. or if gas will ever be below three dollars a gallon anymore. i doubt that they're stressing over the political climate or the sad economic outlook these days. no, i bet they don't think about those things.

but what do they think about? because with soulful eyes like these, they have to be thinking about something...





can i give you a big hug? because i really really like you a really lot and i think you're just the best ever and when i grow up, i want to be just like you because you're big and you're so pretty and you wear things i really want to wear and you do things i really want to do and i want to be just like you.

stacks, rows and columns



the other night blogger began acting demon possessed and my posts started disappearing . then i accidentally ended up posting this mosaic and couldn't find it again to save it to draft.
crazy making.
bottom line though, is that i found those great flickr toys and created this mosaic with their mosaic maker. i'm probably the last person on the face of the earth to have found them, but just in case i'm not, you can find them here and play with them too.
have fun!



a leaf and a feather gracefully floated down from above and found their rightful places on the back deck...the random order of nature.

my brother's girls






when i look at you girls, i see strength and joy, compassion and pure fun. i see the creative spark that brings light to your eyes. you give so freely of your love and who you are. you bring such happiness to those around you.
you are beauty personified and i am honored to be in your life and that you are in mine.
i love you.

self portrait tuesday

september's challenge is contrast



in february of 2007, i decided that it was time for me to take some weight off. 15 months and 130 pounds later, i reached my goal. and although it has been one of the most gratifying things i have ever accomplished, i struggle everyday with contrasts. the contrast between how i make sense of this different physical body of mine and how others see me. the contrast between what my eyes are trying to make sense of and what my head has always told me i looked like.

because now, they don't match up. no, not at all. it's one of the biggest contrasts and challenges i have ever faced.



lessons i've learned in middle age (so far)

1 i spend a lot of time trying to find myself but keep looking in the wrong places
2. soap dispensers can sometimes be unpredictable
3. my black and whites don't always make gray
4. sourdough bread is evil, but in a good way
5. cranky babies on an airplane are cuter when you're listening to your ipod
6. i should never have bitched about peanuts and a measly soft drink on flights-at least they were free then
7. one should always check the toilet roll dispenser first
8. the aisle and seat number is not the gate number in the world of airplane seat assignments
9. the older i get, the less i know
10. i have a blessed life because there are people that love me
11. everyone just wants to know that they matter
12. the dog is always going to have diarrhea on the rug that's on my side of the bed
13. the universe always provides
14, sometimes i actually need help with things
15. there's always going to be someone who does it differently, better, faster and more creatively. the trick is trying to be okay with that
16. yes means generally, maybe means no, no means possibly, possibly means generally which also means yes (possibly)
17. knowing what you don't want doesn't necessarily mean that you know what you do want
18. the more we tell the stories of our lives to others, the greater sense we make of ourselves
19. how we think about our life experiences helps us better define who we are
20. the way we cope with our lives is the way we'll cope with our deaths
21. in the end, it all comes down to love
22. if you tell me you're not afraid to die, i'll know you're lying...we're all afraid to die no matter how old we are
23. life is sacred and mystical
24. a watched pot eventually does boil
25. nothing's definite. the only thing that is constant is change
26. we're never ready to say goodbye to a loved one, the best we can do is hope that we can resolve ourselves to it somehow
27. i wasn't prepared to miss my father every single day of my life
28. you can never know what someone else's experiences are, even if you've gone through similar ones yourself
29. there is an order in chaos
30. you're always going to be the one to fill up the ice cube tray
31. our memories are our life jackets
32. taking risks in life is a necessity
33. your period will always start the day you wear white pants
34, sunday afternoon + football game + husband = snoring
35. trying to be true to yourself is difficult when you're having an identity crisis
36. the advent of wireless cell phone headsets has made it much more difficult to recognize those in the world with mental health issues
37. i will never, ever, never, never wear spandex
38. pizza is only good if the grease runs down your arm while you're eating it
39. it's harder to dig out from a world of shit when you have a broken shovel
40. did i say the older i get the less i know?

what are some of your favorite lessons learned?