my brother's girls






when i look at you girls, i see strength and joy, compassion and pure fun. i see the creative spark that brings light to your eyes. you give so freely of your love and who you are. you bring such happiness to those around you.
you are beauty personified and i am honored to be in your life and that you are in mine.
i love you.

self portrait tuesday

september's challenge is contrast



in february of 2007, i decided that it was time for me to take some weight off. 15 months and 130 pounds later, i reached my goal. and although it has been one of the most gratifying things i have ever accomplished, i struggle everyday with contrasts. the contrast between how i make sense of this different physical body of mine and how others see me. the contrast between what my eyes are trying to make sense of and what my head has always told me i looked like.

because now, they don't match up. no, not at all. it's one of the biggest contrasts and challenges i have ever faced.



lessons i've learned in middle age (so far)

1 i spend a lot of time trying to find myself but keep looking in the wrong places
2. soap dispensers can sometimes be unpredictable
3. my black and whites don't always make gray
4. sourdough bread is evil, but in a good way
5. cranky babies on an airplane are cuter when you're listening to your ipod
6. i should never have bitched about peanuts and a measly soft drink on flights-at least they were free then
7. one should always check the toilet roll dispenser first
8. the aisle and seat number is not the gate number in the world of airplane seat assignments
9. the older i get, the less i know
10. i have a blessed life because there are people that love me
11. everyone just wants to know that they matter
12. the dog is always going to have diarrhea on the rug that's on my side of the bed
13. the universe always provides
14, sometimes i actually need help with things
15. there's always going to be someone who does it differently, better, faster and more creatively. the trick is trying to be okay with that
16. yes means generally, maybe means no, no means possibly, possibly means generally which also means yes (possibly)
17. knowing what you don't want doesn't necessarily mean that you know what you do want
18. the more we tell the stories of our lives to others, the greater sense we make of ourselves
19. how we think about our life experiences helps us better define who we are
20. the way we cope with our lives is the way we'll cope with our deaths
21. in the end, it all comes down to love
22. if you tell me you're not afraid to die, i'll know you're lying...we're all afraid to die no matter how old we are
23. life is sacred and mystical
24. a watched pot eventually does boil
25. nothing's definite. the only thing that is constant is change
26. we're never ready to say goodbye to a loved one, the best we can do is hope that we can resolve ourselves to it somehow
27. i wasn't prepared to miss my father every single day of my life
28. you can never know what someone else's experiences are, even if you've gone through similar ones yourself
29. there is an order in chaos
30. you're always going to be the one to fill up the ice cube tray
31. our memories are our life jackets
32. taking risks in life is a necessity
33. your period will always start the day you wear white pants
34, sunday afternoon + football game + husband = snoring
35. trying to be true to yourself is difficult when you're having an identity crisis
36. the advent of wireless cell phone headsets has made it much more difficult to recognize those in the world with mental health issues
37. i will never, ever, never, never wear spandex
38. pizza is only good if the grease runs down your arm while you're eating it
39. it's harder to dig out from a world of shit when you have a broken shovel
40. did i say the older i get the less i know?

what are some of your favorite lessons learned?


my dear friend gillian,

you and i must break up. it's true, i'm afraid our friendship must come to an end. and it's not because i don't love you. au contraire....i love you dearly. but being the foodie extraordinaire that you are, you have shown me your vile ways and now i can't seem to live without them.

like the onion dip? yes, it is evil. and although it was technically your mother that first enticed me to that wonderfully creamy, hot, bubbly vidalia onion decadence, it never would've happened had i not been at your house. the house of bad things as i have now affectionately deemed it.

and let's talk about those crab rangoons at the lotus that you introduced me to just this week. fried joy is what you call it as i remember. me? i call it fried sinful from the devil himself. and yes, that is a picture of my hand holding a fried sinful because i couldn't wait to get back to lotus to satiate my newly developed addiction to this bad bad thing for the second time this week.

and so, the time has come for us to part. i will miss you.

hugs and kissies,
dawn

ps can you give me the recipe for that tortilla soup with the sour cream topping that makes me smile for days after eating?

self portrait tuesday

september's challenge is contrast


when i joined the self portrait group, i had to muster up the courage to step into the light when staying back in the dark had been feeling so comfortable. taking the risk to show myself to others through my art, has made me painfully aware of how i have wasted a lot of time limiting myself by my inner struggles with contrasts ... the contrasts between temptation and discouragement.... between allure and dissuasion

i know it's all up to me, and i'm learning how to breathe through it. sometimes i'm hyperventilating, but at least i'm breathing.

the summer annuals are giving up their throne to their successors.


the sun angles are already changing


the cows are being looked after for their winter meals




and this becomes a familiar scene once again

what is it like to be the p.b. kid?


we lay on our bed and watch our pretty, pretty gold lamp make great shadows on the wall while it flutters in the breeze


we leave our shoes on the stairs


we accessorize with abandon and flair


our phone makes a lot of obnoxious noises as our friends text us non-stop

we work hard, we play hard, we find our way in this sometimes confusing world.

we have a mom that loves us deeply




oh how i love this bike. because the minute i get on it, i am 6 years old again and discovering my own sense of freedom. discovering my own pace. learning how to be independent and make choices about where to go and how fast to go and how to get there. choices that could keep me safe or put me at risk. discovering the world around me and what it's like to navigate it all on my own. putting cards in the spokes and listening to the clicking sound as the wheel spins. ringing the bell that was strapped to the handlebar. watching the plastic streamers that we used to put in the ends of the handlebars, flow in the wind.

every time i get on this bike, i go right back there. and it's fun. it's so fun.

lucky

there's nothing better on a weekend night than getting together with good friends. especially when they make you laugh, tell you what's inside their heads, feed you homemade salsa and give you a magic ride on their fantastical, free wheeling, turquoise colored vespa. i was lucky enough to share last weekend with three very good girlfriends.

s. n. and d. thank you for sharing your time with me.






i'm looking outside my window right now and it's brilliantly sunny. but i am stormy. not angry ferocious stormy, but just churning, unsettling, something's brewing stormy. maybe it's the seasons changing. i always look forward to fall. but i'm not looking forward to it this year and i don't know why.

i guess i'll just have to sit with this a bit. it's not time for knowing yet.
but i don't have to like it.

pears are my favorites. they're perfectly imperfect. i guess that's why i love them so much. they're not perfectly round, they're bumpy, they're not balanced and they're not symmetrical. but they're interesting and they're sweet.

they're a lot like people.

watch closely as her fingers never leave her hand



the p.b. kid cutting mr. ntm's hair. she said to me while looking at these pictures, "it's weird to see my hands looking so....professional. like a "real" stylist's hands."

you're a "real" stylist, sweetie. don't be afraid to own it because it's yours. you've worked hard for it.

now go sweep up all that hair you left in the middle of the kitchen floor before the dogs eat it and poop out fur balls....


To Much Hair

There is thin hair,
heavy hair,

There is gray hair,
and red hair,

then there is no hair,
I will be hair
for you forever,

every hair you go,
I will go hair to.

wrote 4-11-07

jim foulk

tuesday aug 12,2008-juneau, alaska

we took a small plane and flew over several beautiful glaciers to a remote lodge that was built in the 1920's. then we ate grilled salmon that had been caught that morning and warmed ourselves by the fire that was crackling and popping in the huge stone fireplace. a fantastic meal and place. it was so still and quiet there. the glacier that was two miles away from us was called hole in the wall glacier and we were informed that it was a dancing glacier meaning that by the time 80 years rolls around, the glacier will have overtaken the very spot we were standing on. nice to know that not every glacier is slipping away from us.












sunday, august 10, 2008 sitka, alaska

sitka is a quaint little drinking village with a fishing problem. at least that's what all their t-shirts said. i thought it was just charming. there is a lot of russian history here and it is truly evident in most of the architecture. seriously feening for a good cup of coffee at this point and luckily we got one here in a great little independent coffee shop. i had seriously begun to hallucinate that i was seeing starbucks signs on the side of the mountains.



















we went to a salmon hatchery and for a hike in the national forest. at the end of the trail, we watched hundreds of huge salmon leaping out of the lake like the craziest ballet i've ever seen. a really nice day.

friday august 8, 2008- ocean locomotion







i'm not a sea faring person, so i have to get used to words like "stateroom" "for" "aft" and "muster your stations" (as in muster i really wear this stupid life jacket?) whewie... there are lots of humans here on this boat. lots of humans doing various things. this human decided to get a massage which was really heavenly. unfortunately, i was given the hard core sales pitch afterwards when i was told that it would only take $600 worth of products to detoxify my body in a natural way. i think my muscles immediately seized up after that and completely undid all the good that had just gotten done. maybe that's also part of the hard core sales pitch? i don't know. all i know is that i guess i will continue being unnatural for now....

saturday august 9, 2008

hey! what do you sea(e)?
exactly.
(another running joke during the trip)

miles and miles of sea. and i was getting antsy until i caught myself thinking that there was no way i could find anything really interesting on this boat. that's when i challenged myself to look harder and think differently.



if you didn't answer the pirate's questions correctly, they unrelentingly chanted "walk the plank" over and over again.